Polyramblery

I first met gekko when, on my sabbatical, I took a solo road trip down to Vegas and Hoover Dam and continued on to fetch up in Scottsdale. We met for brunch and spent a few hours walking about and people-watching at a Hawaiian cultural festival in Phoenix. I covered the day in my daily photoblogging with nothing but a picture taken in a parking lot the night before, which I thought said it perfectly: Two unique old classics that look good together.

I'm the station wagon

Why so coy? The trip was an exploration outward, and I knew and had known for a long time (years, actually) that gekko was a person of interest, but I was married, and the future was unknown, and so it seemed best to be discreet. I told my wife all about it a couple three weeks later anyway.

Over the following months I learned all about her and polyamory and Dick and so on because she liked me too and it was vitally important to her that I know just what was what. Turned out I liked what was what. I'd known about the polyamory concept since the late 90s sometime, and that she was seriously exploring its significance to her only made her more appealing. Of course, you could also say I'm a guy ending a marriage, what's not to like about a woman who's potentially available? But there is a lot more to it than that -- we've known each other internetally for nearly ten years -- and seriously, I don't see any point in worrying too much about the why's. Truth, honesty, caring, open-mindedness -- in two words, love and acceptance -- these are good enough to carry forward with day by day.

So after I moved out on my own at the start of October, we turned it up a little bit, and a little bit more, and so on. My life is deeply enriched. We know each other as no one else can, you see, and it works, whether or not a fancy new dictionary word applies. I didn't say anything here, though. In my world I was still trying to be as gentle as possible with my family. My ex told me directly, don't ever mention "your girlfriend", not yet, as told a couple months ago. Family doesn't read this, but since I'm not real good at compartmentalizing, I just kept the whole thing close to my vest everywhere.

You know, I may also have been avoiding the prospect of questions. Of good questions. What do I really think of the situation, what are my true motives, and so on. I see that now as a possibility because I don't fear that now but I think I did for awhile, as a consequence of not being sure what I thought or what would happen next or how I would react when tested.

And I was tested. Or as I wrote somewhere, must have been an email or something, I don't know, I wrote, "My girlfriend's in Florida, with her boyfriend. But it's okay! His wife is cool with it."

And if that makes your head spin, I suggest you embrace the absurdity of life and just laugh. I had to. I had to laugh, sometimes still do because, well, this woman and I have an amazing connection, and when she's away in her devotion to another, the alternative to laughter you can guess at.

At that time, as with posting the picture above, I reached out to the world while saying nothing. I posted (Facebook) the video of a song that hit me hard as she happily dug her toes into the sand of a distant ocean in the company of another man she loves.

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy ... happy

I wish you were here
I wish you were here ...

   - Incubus, Wish You Were Here

Because I was happy, really. It seemed odd that I was, but I was. Happy that she was happy, and that someone else was too. And anyway, I had my ex to help and to reassure and to try not to argue with with ... and I found someone else to go out with besides, someone who lives nearby and with whom I also have a high quality connection; and because everyone involved knew right from the start, no one involved minds.

Yet. There is still uncertainty. I am obviously in flux. As my other friend says, I haven't even filed yet, she hella wouldn't trust me if I said I wanted to get serious. But I am serious, in terms of being truthful and allowing no misunderstanding. Meanwhile it's quite the network that's replacing my more conventional life, and it's only just begun.