Haven't talked to her face to face since we happened to run into her and her second husband in downtown Sacramento around 1993. That was a one in a million since we grew up in the Bay Area and she lives in Oregon. Haven't actually wanted to see her since we stopped being roommates in, what, 1982. And THAT arrangement was an expression of desperation being as I only fooled myself that I didn't care she cheated on me when we were in high school.
Now, she's a good person and has much to be proud of: Plucked at three from her dead mother's side in a ghetto in Seoul, thrown out of her American foster home at fourteen, abused by her sister's boyfriend at sixteen and declared an emancipated minor at seventeen, she graduated with a nursing degree summa cum laude and has raised two kids herself. But I still don't want to see her enough to make a dent in my busy schedule. And it is a busy schedule.
So. I could take the passive approach and write back in a few days and say, oh, I wish I'd seen your email earlier (this would also require staying off Farcebook). I could reply and say I'm too busy, try again later (heartbreakingly rude that would be). I could just say thanks but no thanks (also rude and not really true).
Oh, the hell with it. Honesty is always best, especially with real people. I literally do not have time today or tomorrow. I would like to meet and catch up some time. But for reasons that can be hinted at, really don't want to ... now. Some other
What would YOU do?
9 comments:
Dear FGF:
Can't, swamped. Maybe Wife can? Check w/her (insert e-mail addy). Let me know next time you're in town, maybe then. l8r!
Har de har.
I am so bored. I don't care that the world's premier manufacturer of X is waiting for my document to be reviewed and released. It BORES me and I want to go work on my motorized loveseat. Oh look! Five o'clock!
I waited out the last meeting (imagine one rather diminutive and gentle engineer in a room with not one but three female project leads, two of them fairly strong willed and determined. He was safe -- not even a meal's worth for one of us -- but he sure did look like a terrified mouse) and then nearly ran out the door at 3:30 this afternoon.
I did not have a motorized loveseat awaiting me, but anything was better than sitting in that office one more minute.
I'd say I was busy with work, kids, sick cat, have strep throat, car trouble, etc. Don't see her if you don't wanna, life is too short and we already are obligated to do too many things we don't wanna.
"Now is not a good time, but I'd love to see you another time," is straightforward and honest, and what kind of person wouldn't respect that? You don't owe anyone any more explanation than that.
Maybe I'm just a New Yorker and we can say shit like that and no one gets their feelings hurt.
I've even been known to turn down invitations by saying, "No, thank you, I don't really want to do that," and no one's feelings got hurt. Why lie?
Try not to overthink it.
I called her this morning and put face to face visiting off for another day and we had a nice brief chat. After getting accustomed to the richer timbre the decades have added to her voice I could sense I was talking to the same girl again, same Korean inflections she never lost despite losing that language nearly fifty years ago, same word choices when emphasizing something, same unexpected giggle cutting through my mixture of nostalgia and reluctance. I don't much value nostalgia and the reluctance is a child of ancient history so probably we will get together one time, later this year or next, why not. There are so few people of true significance in this life.
I came here a little late. I was going to quote you, "Haven't actually wanted to see her since we stopped being roommates in, what, 1982." And then I was going to say, "There's your answer." And then I was going to say I'd probably say, "Hey, sorry, I've got other plans when you're around." Nothing specific. No lying. Clearly just not interested in making a visit work.
But that's just me.
Wow. I thought she'd been absorbed into the ether. You should see her, just for shits and giggles. Yay! Let me know how she is. She was weird and brutal back then, as well as the other things, but weren't they all?
I would have lied and made up an excuse. Because I am a weiner.
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