Somewhere around here people were talking about imagined conversations that go awry and real-life bitchiness directed at the poor guy whose going awry had been imagined. There was a general agreement that one or another descendant of the root word menses was at play. I am here to say men do it too.
Well, not bitching out the real life woman whose provocations were imagined. We aren't THAT irrational. Geez.
All the same I worked myself up into a nice dark funk this noontime when I went to the store to get a couple things I needed and as usual felt low for being unable to do any Christmas shopping (must be some weird psychological thing but I am having the hardest time becoming one with the season this year) and found myself thinking darkly of Christmas Day.
Not your Christmas Day, or Christmas Day in general, but one imagined version of the one shaping up for me this weekend. In particular, the imagined version wherein my now-most-certainly-ex wife invites over her new male friend. She made it very clear weeks if not months ago that I wasn't to impose any theoretical girlfriend on my sons this soon, and certainly not over Christmas. I agreed readily enough, and not only because such an act would present insurmountable logical and logistical barriers. It was our shared opinion that new love interests would be disturbing to our young men so soon after our split, and there was no reason to so disrupt their home-for-Christmas experience. In fact, I felt that all went without saying, and I was a little insulted that she felt it necessary to mention to me.
If one is not a paranoid sociopath, or if one is me (should the distinction be necessary), an imagined crime requires some sort of precedent. What I am processing is the stoic manner in which my sons are absorbing the unexpected disruption of a man who is not me spending the night in their childhood home the weekend they got home from college. This is the first time they have come home since I moved out, and so their first experience of the house without me. The younger one in particular ended up in his worst fight ever with his mother over it, and still I think he's being too stoic, trying too hard to take it well. The elder, no better, is mainly trying to ignore everything. I've told them both they're entitled to their reactions, and to say whatever they feel to whoever should hear it. But too many years with me also absorbing ill-defined and misunderstood insults may have had their effect, combined of course with their recognition that I did insult their mother by moving out, by leaving her, and their natural desire to be sympathetic.
So, all right. And perhaps a lesson was learned. An apology was extracted from her, so that is possible. Meanwhile, an imagined Christmas darkened my noontime shopping. Nothing more than the new beau being invited over. To my eye, that would be a passive-aggressive -- seriously aggressive -- statement to me made on the cringing backs of our children. I can't countenance any part of that, and simply thinking of it put me in a fairly foul mood. Of course it was thoroughly imagined, but it still didn't improve my driving any.
I honestly do not expect such a transgression and need to be clear on that. Though I've learned not to be too surprised by anything, I would still be surprised by that much of a lapse in judgment. In other words, she's not like that. My anger today over the whole thing was over an imagined incident.
Wasn't it? Well, no, I didn't imagine the real parts, the precedent, and my sons are more distracted by parental weirdness now than I had feared.
She's entitled to her happiness and whatever serves it. I'm just not a fan of it being thrust into my boys' faces, especially a few weeks after she warned me off doing the same thing.
As if. No, I've moved on and forward, something I choose not to detail here (so far), and she can do the same, but involving the children is just wrong all around.
There have been other strange but minor behaviors they have told me about, but my real and not-imagined outlook for Christmas remains safe and quiet and appropriate: My mother and I will visit for brunch. There are no dinner plans.
Funny thing, though: I am now more grateful than I expected to be that both my sons have girlfriends whose families they enjoy spending time with.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
17 comments:
I understand your anger, esp since she's still living in the house.
Curious: why go over there with your mom? Doesn't that create more opportunity for drama? You could do your own brunch...
Is it just me, or does this read a lot like it's not really about how upset the KIDS are, nor about how upset you MIGHT be over how upset they might get?
Unless I missed something (which is entirely possible as I have the attention span of a goldfish,)
(a) The "children" aren't exactly abandoned orphans desperately clinging to the skirts of their mother, but are rather more along the line of adults who don't live anywhere local;
(b) YOU left HER with an explanation which boiled down to "tough noogies, I've taken a different path," and after some appropriately satisfying drama, she seems to be getting on with wherever SHE'S headed;
(c) They are purportedly upset over her doing so, which, by your lights, seems to have totally overwhelmed any upset they had with YOU leaving in the first place (if any);
(d) Her getting on with it instead of continuing to pine away over your leaving like a some consumptive 19th Century pulp heroine is an aggressive act;
(e) This all adds up to you being distraught over the possible-but-unlikely intersection of those facts with Christmas.
If this is accurate, I'm not "getting" the complaint, unless you're commenting on the overall illogical weirdness of PMS "thought," which seems to not be exclusive to females.
This sounds snarkier than I want, but I can't think of another way to ask it, and (as Paula says) I'm curious.
I have some down stream grasp of possible emotional impacts this type of change has on young adult males. They are in many respects more children than adults, esp where mom and dad issues are concerned. Esp where family oriented holidays are concerned. And, yes, the trauma of this moment always trumps yesterday's trauma. Rational thought has low priority.
Dad just moved out and they're probably still absorbing that. They are males, which means protective instincts toward female mom. Dad is known and safe. Stranger is unknown, usurping dad's role, and thus theirs to a lesser extent.
Yeah AD, you're not thinking it thru.
Ask my son.
"Yeah AD, you're not thinking it thru."
Well, THAT would be a first. Today, anyway.
Yes, gekko clarified it for me too, though my instincts were pointed that way. My sole concern is what my sons are put through, and some might ask what I am protecting them from, but I'm their dad, it's what I do. Tied to that is some anger at the woman who is doing something to them (whatever it really is she's doing), whether or not she means to. I'm thinking now that a couple days have passed and I've spoken with them both, I should talk to her. I'm sure it didn't help that the younger, whose bedroom adjoins hers, was asked (if not told) to not be home last night. I had to ask him twice about that because I couldn't believe it. (He was as likely to be at his gf's anyway, but still.)
All that aside, my main point was indeed about the overall illogical weirdness of PMS "thought," which seems to not be exclusive to females.
Regarding the pms-y stuff, and imagining scenarios and reactions and feeling all the emotions and adrenaline you might get if the imagined scenario really did manifest: dude that is the *suckiest* part of my hormonally driven imagineering! (Okay, *negative* hormonal imagineering. I rather like the other kind, innit.)
In fact, when it comes to menstrual side effects, it rates in suckitude close to bloating. Worse than cramping cuz I can take naprosyn for the cramps. But the way I figure, the cure for irrational thought is a lobotomy and I'm not ready to take that step yet.
It's my opinion that she is exercising extremely poor judgment right now. This is not surprising in light of the emotional roller coaster and upheaval and all that, but it's a shame that it's involving the children in this way. Sooner or later she will remember asking her CHILD (his age is not relevant, he's her child) not to come home to his own house because of a BOYFRIEND, and she will cringe. And, one hopes, apologize.
As it's a time of miracles, I'm going to wish you all a merry Christmas. Most especially your boys. For better or worse, they're at the right age for the lesson that your parents are separate from you in ways they weren't before, and their choices don't have to affect you the way they did before.
(I don't mean that latter part in relation to the divorce, only in relation to growing up.)
When the hunter gets captured by the game....
These children are boys who freely bring their girlfriends home to sleep, yes? You've spoken about that. So why should they have that freedom but not their mother?
If it's not bad to sleep with someone, it's not bad to sleep with someone -- if you're into logical consistency.
Seems to me that she should be the one who determines when it's right. You've really lost the right to weigh in on that very much. You don't get to control the situation. The children are too old for you to claim she's unfit or any such thing just because you don't like it.
I think there is much in what Dust said originally. Eventually, your sons will need to learn that women make their own choices, bad or good, incorporating their own needs as well as their children's needs.
What is her bad judgment, exactly? Introducing change into the holidays? That already happened. Having someone in her life too soon? Not being in accord with your thinking?
Some three years after my divorce, I had someone spend the night. I thought the kids were staying at their dad's. But he decided to bring them home early. He often did that: I should have known. I never had a weekend without them. It was awkward. It was also a way he continued to try to control me. That "lesson" was worse, IMO: the one where mom accommodates everyone no matter what.
Putting the issue of the kids aside for a second, (who may be older and wiser than you think,) regarding whatever portion of this episode has to do with it being Christmas, my only thought was, is the idea and sanctity of Christmas more important or any different than the idea and sanctity of marriage? I mean, were you hoping for just one more "normal" Christmas?
I suppose a divorce or a separation is not entirely different than a death, and each holiday, as it rolls around, brings with it the usual host of associations and expectations, which of course will be dashed in turn. This is just going to happen, and there's nothing you are going to be able to do about it, except slosh through it.
Just thinking out loud, Don. I don't mean to be harsh, if it even sounded that way. One way to look at it, if you will, is that all the drama is really "by the egos, for the egos," and you can take the attitude of the playgoer, squint your eyes and sort of see how small the stage really is, how tiny the people walking around on it.
Good luck, man. Seriously.
Yeah. My perspective again, because in reality, no matter what y'all think, it's always all about me.
As most here know, I'm divorced. I cheated on the SU, which is not the same at all as what's going on with Don's situation (you can visit the poly blogs for all the dirty details). But it made for a lot of drama, and emotion that probably wasn't all that different in flavor from what Don's family is undergoing. And the ex, well, he has and had some other issues outside of my infidelity that caused some long-time friction throughout our marriage, etc., etc., etc.
That said.
Christmas was always important to our nuclear family. All involved -- the ex, me, the (mostly adult) kids felt that having as normal a Christmas as could be had that first year following the divorce was extremely important. We'd already broken the sanctity of the nuclear family and were getting over that, trying to heal from it. Holding on to something normal-ish would ease us, a bit. Somewhat. It was important. We suspended our personal dramas for that. For them. For us. For the sake of what had been, what was. In our case, we held to that, and honored it. Even the then-very-whacky ex held to it. Putting the kids' first *in this case!!!* was important. And it did help them. Several years down the road, they tell me this in all sincerity.
Both were torn about a lot of things that happened in that time and that Christmas proved a healing moment in that particularly stressful period.
This is why I resonate with the underlying stuff of Don's message, and grasp his ... anger? I may be projecting, here.
Anyway, yes, the wife has every right to shape and recreate her life as it suits her. It is what it is. Everyone gets to adjust their expectations accordingly, as things unfold. The kids will, if they haven't already, absorb this change and move on. I love what Teacake had to write about this and the valuable lesson in life, experience that these young men are getting about separate lives.
I'm rambling, of course. Just 'cuz I've been pretty down about this season myownself this year, it being the first year without my little girl who is staying at her house with her wrinkly old guy and her kitty and so it will be just my boy 'n me.
See? It's totally all about me.
Yah, I wrote my comment before I read that the ex tossed her kids out so she could have a playdate sleepover, something I cannot FATHOM. Sure she is entitled to say fuck what Don wants, he left, now I'm gonna do stuff my way, but even so, yikes. And OK she was a bit hypocritical re nagging him about a hypothetical GF when she had an actual honey, that isn't the worst thing. I still think that Don might try to interact less with her, esp not having family meals together, to see if that would help him feel better. When I get angry with my ex, I find that limiting interactions is the key to getting back to a better place emotionally. You'd be amazed at how quickly you cease to care what the other person is up to when YOU DON'T KNOW.
I love all the commentary here and that you all feel free to give your real opinions. Never stop doing that.
Re tossing the kids for the boyfriend: It's possible I am wrong about that. I asked her directly and got a no way. She said my question made sense after she found out when my son told me about it. Now, he's neither a story-teller nor a shit-stirrer, and she's been very clever in the past at hiding (a learned skill), but I also like to believe the better story so, bottom line, I don't know what the facts are and just have to let it be.
As said, things are different no matter what and I am being handed all the responsibility for that as I "left her" and "bailed on the family" and there's truth to those words if not the whole truth, and, blah.
Well, there's a lot more to this unfolding story but my decision to blog some of it doesn't commit me to blogging all of it.
C: What is her bad judgment, exactly?
Good question. I went back and re-read to try and extract what compelled me to write this in the first place. It was all a reaction to my son having had to deal with a new boyfriend after I had strongly agreed we weren't to introduce any new interests at Christmas. I let that percolate a couple days after which it still pissed me off and I had to vent.
Meantime we've talked more and as always strive to communicate and provide a stable environment for the offspring so no worries or impending drama at this point. The rituals of Christmas, significantly redesigned for this year, will prove as rituals do to be very helpful for everyone.
http://lizarddreams.scribblinlizard.com/archives/2010/12/sanctity-validity.html
I've been thinking darkly of Christmas too. Hence why I'm in big sweatpants, floppy sock, crazy shirt, glasses and my hair pulled back all messy like reading blogs instead of ...oh, I don't know...enjoying my friends and family on Christmas Eve. Ba hum bug. PS I enjoyed your blog though so some good came out of this night!
Post a Comment