When people fail and end up homeless it's common to tsk tsk and want the social safety net to work better.
But if it's a friend or relative we likely know why they ended up homeless.
A guy I was good friends with in my early twenties has gone through years of homelessness. Presently he lives in a tent in his sister's back yard. He's lived in basements, in a van, in a jail cell. There was a time he was the hardest working and best paid of all my friends. But something went wrong, don't know what. Maybe related to the freebasing we did one spring -- it never grabbed me and I haven't done it since, but who knows what it did to him. Maybe related to the narcolepsy he developed and now gets a little government assistance for. Maybe related to being eighth or so out of ten children and parents who as far as he was concerned checked out. Maybe related to always trying and failing to take shortcuts in life -- not go to college, invest (and lose) what little he had in risky schemes, etc.
He has pretty much no prospects now and frankly I believe he brought it upon himself. Therefore little sympathy. Certainly no inclination to help. (Or to help others in like straits, which is why I don't make the usual noises about helping the homeless and am therefore I suppose a "conservative" of sorts, even though I am an easy touch for street people who ask politely.)
What's heartbreaking is I think I now have a niece headed down a similar road.
She's always been a challenge, and though a full adult of twenty one has about the emotional maturity of a fourteen year old. Kind of looks like one too. Has always had challenges, and probably there are programs that will protect her from ever really trying (and spectacularly failing) to be independent. But she did learn to drive, and has a record of stealing cell phones and, lately, her aunt's car so she could go meet up with some guy who ... You know the drill. Bad news for her most of all.
My fear is her father, who is now taking her in (again), will (again) fail to find the answers, and she will spend her twenties bouncing about between various circumstances until she gets arrested or beat up or worse. All of this points to a life alternatively in institutions or struggling on the very edge of society. So many people on that edge get trapped in its frayed chaos and are lost forevermore to a normal or fulfilling life. At some point she will find herself seeking out places to eat and sleep ... in essence, homeless. And though arguably she was failed by us her family, she does make her own choices, just as my friend above, who clearly was given no foundation, yet like everyone else still has to make his own way. Meanwhile, no one has a clue what to do. Not a clue.
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4 comments:
Yes, some people's problems are all their own fault; others are clearly a victim of repeated bad luck that could have happened to anyone. Most fall somewhere in between, I would think, so you can choose how to react based on how you already want to feel about such things. Like if you're anti-drug, then anyone who did drugs and ended up homeless... fuck 'em. The idea that someone might have become addicted because of chronic pain that luckier folks didn't have to deal with... meh. But it doesn't really matter how I personally feel about a particular situation because I can't help anyone (financially) in a serious way. And I'm NOT inclined to give the buck or two to someone who asks because generally the people who ask are too annoying and have the stupidest fucking stories.
I agree with Paula that the answer is often somewhere in the middle, a combination of circumstance and bad choices.
I feel for you. It's a horrible feeling to watch a family member self-destruct, when they refuse to do otherwise and won't let you help them. There is no safety net that can catch an adult who for whatever reason is hell bent on missing it.
Is it possible your niece has a mental illness that needs to be addressed?
Yes, she has always had I don't know what. Was slow to talk, matures slowly, really is about fourteen except for the extra seven years. The mystery is how / when / why she developed a sense of entitlement, thieving, lack of consequences. Has been known for petty thefts from family for years and in fact was at my cousin's for a change of environment and of expectations with hopes she'd grow into it. But she got to be too much and now I fear her last best chance has been shot.
This was my late, and ex, husband. Fault?? Do we really think we can establish whose fault it is when things work out this way? I know what kinds of messages that man's parents managed to send him about his value on this earth -- roughly zero. Some people persist despite this, some don't. He approached life as if every undertaking related to providing for himself was doomed to failure; while we were still married I asked him if he were trying to be a homeless person in training.
I guess he was.
After I divorced him he sponged off his mom while he could, and sponged off anyone who let him after she died, but it wasn't enough to keep him off the streets. He was determined to do things his own way, and I think convinced that any concession he made to any person or agency that offered to help him would be betrayed. How do people come to such conclusions?
But all his sins were those of omission. He didn't steal, though he lied; didn't cheat, though he failed to keep promises.
He died full of stories and music and left me rich. People who can't cope and end up homeless are not, for that reason, worthless. They may not be right in the head, but there are worse sins.
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