An odd sort of loneliness, perhaps. But I find myself cruising the social network online, such as it is, over and over, picking up crumbs. Should be fully engaged on the job ... and I often am. But sometimes I am not. It seems isolation sits less well with me than it used to, but I lack the habits of defeating it: getting up, chatting, meeting people for a cup of joe, what have you.
Actually, I do that stuff. More than I used. For ex, last Friday I spent lunchtime playing dominoes. And there's a gorgeous femme around here who said to ping her for coffee sometime, I just haven't gotten around to it. (Well, with S in my life, and g coming to visit, my motivation is lacking.) And I again re-started my gym routine yesterday, which is always good, because it involves people.
I think what's happening is personal growth into the more people-oriented person I was born to be, but by various accidental influences not particularly raised to be. Somehow, perhaps unavoidably, I entered adulthood with a more isolated mindset, I now see, than is normal by far. And now, again through various accidental influences, and following the end of the socially static influence of my marriage, I am discovering a need for people that my deeply held and irrational fears prevented me, in years past, from recognizing.
Int'resting.
Well, it's all good. Sunday the local Burner non-profit had a barbecue out in the blazing heat and, once I pushed myself through my bad attitude and forced myself to go, it was a good time throughout. Same with the previous days' drink-and-drift down the American River: didn't wanna go; did; was glad I did.
OK, well, this was random. Back to work.
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6 comments:
I can relate. When I actually get out there and do a social thing, I almost always have fun (not talking about dating)... yet it's so much easier to sit home and tell myself I'm gonna write, but end up staring at the news, emailing, and wasting time on FB, etc. Of course I don't want to spend a ton of bucks, but there are plenty of cheapy things and that's just another excuse.
At work, for me, there are no social opps, but I can make plenty on weekends if I get out of my old habits. I have somewhat, but need to do more. I think it'll help my writing actually, esp if I include artsy things, which I plan to.
I can relate. When I actually get out there and do a social thing, I almost always have fun (not talking about dating)... yet it's so much easier to sit home and tell myself I'm gonna write, but end up staring at the news, emailing, and wasting time on FB, etc. Of course I don't want to spend a ton of bucks, but there are plenty of cheapy things and that's just another excuse.
At work, for me, there are no social opps, but I can make plenty on weekends if I get out of my old habits. I have somewhat, but need to do more. I think it'll help my writing actually, esp if I include artsy things, which I plan to.
Oh, yes! I can relate also. Very much -- the need for social interaction.
Well, you know how much more I've blossomed, socially, in the past year or so.
It's wonderful.
Social interaction? EW!
On the one hand, our current times are an introvert's paradise. I can do so much without ever having to interact face to face.
On the other hand, the constant easy enabling of that behavior does make me weirder with each passing year.
I would just add, just to be contrary I guess, that being introverted as you were back in the day, was not necessarily something you were NOT supposed to be. In other words, it wasn't necessarily abnormal for you.
Some few of you who have met me know that I'm one of the most solitary people you know. Those of you who have not probably know I'm one of the most solitary people you know.
I've long since discovered that a combination of my almost aggressively virulent social maladroitness combined with the fact that little in my life lends itself to sharing with regular citizens means that the range of people I can just "hang out" with is narrow indeed. I've lately occasionally reflected on this, and have regretted it. But that doesn't last long. The fact is that I've seen and done stuff in my life that most people can't even imagine, which would simply have not been possible without being who I am. And those few people in that "narrow" range (or the ones still alive, anyhow) are almost more blood to me than genetic family which concept is alien to most, to their loss.
So, the occasional regrets and and "outside looking in" sad-face pangs and empty "friends" lists are simply a price paid to live my life. Maybe someday I'll decide it was too high. Never say never, right? But there's no changing it now.
So I ghost around the periphery of other, more extroverted lives, soaking up whatever spare energy leaks in my direction, dwaddling around pretending I can write, futzing around on social media to greater or lesser degrees, and single-serving email people who interest me. Then I go back and re-engage in my life and...stuff.
Wish I could be you, dude, really do, some days a lot. But then I wouldn't be me, and I've quite liked it, mostly.
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