New Year's &c.

So I didn't write about it or make any resolutions. Here I am now, though. Why? Why not?

One of my possibilities was to go up to Thunder Valley to see TOP. But they weren't so great at the winery last June, where it seemed their entire fan base consisted of aging Boomers in Hawaii shirts stumbling about on a white wine binge, and so they lost out in the planning stage to Sea of Dreams. Alas, that fell by the wayside too, though some friends went and said it was a great time.

I thought about all that when I saw a poorly written or at least uninspired concert review.

Doc and Mimi ask the eternal question

I thought about all that and more and decided to spend a minute remembering two related incidents.

The Tesla concert at Thunder Valley with a gal from the office who was THIS close to breaking her monogamy rule but I didn't really want her to and told myself I felt she'd regret it if she did.

The waning moments of the Tower concert when my friend and partner encouraged me to proposition the woman I'd been dancing with, which I finally did, after much prodding, and unsuccessfully.

I have a seemingly unfortunate reluctance to be aggressive. I may never break that outlook. I never want to feel I am taking advantage. Even so, several women have advised me to. Act NOW, they say, think LATER. Let HER decide what is good for her, not YOU. Yes, I hear all that. It is disrespectful of me, in a way, distrustful even, to hold back because I THINK she doesn't really truly want me. But actually, I don't think that is why I hold back. When I'm sincerely focused on a person, things happen. When I cannot so focus, for example because I am distracted by the presence in my life of someone else, then the ramp to intimacy doesn't happen; and I find myself wondering why, and over-thinking it, when the truth may be that I was simply learning I am fundamentally monogamous, i.e. typically unable to transition from one to another and offer that focus. My partners can demonstrate in their way the flexibility I aspire to; yet despite all encouragement I actually live a fairly monogamous life.

Well, the jury remains out on that, as I have the freedom to discover and learn should the right sort of opportunities, whatever they are, arise. And yes, I can anticipate some well-founded arguments against this assertion.

But however that goes, we will agree I really don't need to change how I am. I only need to be certain I have discovered how I am.

Oh, yeah, New Year's. So some friends threw a pajama party -- Burners, mostly, I mean, I don't really have any other friends that are nearly as much fun -- so I went, and drank, and ate and drank, and talked and drank. I don't remember midnight -- probably a TV was on and we did the usual hallooing. My phone says I stumbled out into the frosty night to send a text message at about two. At three I found a bedroom with two people asleep on the floor and an empty bed, so I passed out on the bed only to awaken some indeterminate time later to disturbing sounds from two other people who'd joined me. But not loud sounds, nor was there motion -- just disturbing considering who they were. Around six I awoke and decided it was a good time to slide out from under someone who'd made a pillow of my shoulder and drive home. Evidently the gals on the floor left just before me and didn't know what to make of the tableau on the bed but I don't know why not, we're all just puppies really.

Flattering photos are so last year