Walking around Market at midnight, it isn't as scary as it was thirty years ago. I don't think that's just perception. The streets just don't feel as dangerous.
Maybe because there's really nothing but homeless people on the one hand, people leaving the Orpheus or clubbing on the other. The criminal element has found somewhere else to go.
I was there because plans fell through. I walked and wrestled with disappointment and relief. Both feelings coincided with something I wanted to do and dreaded, an experience I desired that included facing and defeating certain fears. But it was not to be, in the end, and as I walked in a dark mood, I came to decide (again) that I had no right to have any expectations, that I had no place in what someone else chose to do. Eventually I was again at peace.
I know, vague. Deal.
I'm Swyping this on my phone from the floor of a hotel room. I would be in bed if I had thought to bring an extension cord (battery is low). Well, fine. Enough.
6 comments:
I will agree and disagree with your conclusion. Of course. :-)
I agree with the implied yet unstated comment that we get to own our own shit -- our reactions and responses to the decisions others make. I disagree with the statement that you (or me, or anyone) have no right to hold expectations, or that you (or me, or anyone) have no place in what someone else chooses to do.
When our lives intersect, when plans are made, when agreements are reached, it is impossible to NOT have expectations. It is impossible to NOT be a part of what those other people choose to do, especially when they impact us in some physical or emotional way.
You soothed yourself -- moved away from your darkness and brooding, and that is good. For me, my next step would be to face the reality that it's okay for me to have been disappointed (were I in that situation), and unhappy. To experience the emotions, all of them. And, looking back, to be glad to have command of the full range of emotions available to me. To feel alive and very much a part of the life and connections of other people.
I, me, I have spent far too much of my life attempting to be aloof, apart, and different. I wanted to fit in, but told myself I didn't, and that I did not deserve to fit in. That I was unworthy. But no more. *You* taught me, by introducing me to the Burning Man community in your way, and also through the examples you provided with which I had felt kinship, to look at myself as someone who, although somewhat different, was nonetheless very much a part of the lifestream. I had impact on others, and they on me. The ways in which we wove our experiences in and around one another makes life filled with complex beauty.
So, yeah. I like that you found peace. I like that you experienced your emotions without fear. I like that you are living life, facing fears, growing in positive ways. It makes me happy.
I meant to add this:
{{{ Don }}}
I meant to take this post down this morning, because it looks like whining, but now that you've commented I can't. :-) The remainder of the process, i.e. communication between all concerned parties, took place and left me with no desire to express frustration. But, well, life has its peaks and valleys and I may as well randomly blog pieces of both.
I am happy today, and happy that you see something here to be happy about, and especially happy that my impact on your can be expressed so positively!
You should've just gone ahead and strolled naked through North Beach, even if the person who was planning to film it and use it in their new art house feature pulled out at the last minute to drink with Sean Penn at Tosca. Who needs those swine anyway?
Oh by the way, I agree with Gekko in disagreement that we have no right to expectations. If someone made plans that included you, then just changed them once you had committed to be somewhere at a given time, you have a right to be feeling a bit put out. You had a completely reasonable expectation that the other party would be there.
Lately, when this kind of thing happens, the other party will not hear from me for quite some long time. It's not as much anger as it used to be that motivates my silence. It's more my refusal to seek the attention of someone who can't take the trouble to let me know things have changed before I committed myself to something. Clearly, something was more important than me in that instance, so if they want to see me, they can show me that by seeking me out. Otherwise, there's my family at home, great books to read, two dogs, and my dreams. Perhaps even my blog....
Well, it wasn't like that, but in the event it was I would see what you mean. No, all is well.
As for strolling naked through North Beach, we decided Folsom St around 8th was more interesting.
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