And though it's tempting to dive into the story of a couple friends putting the move on us in a hot tub at two o'clock Sunday morning and why I deflected them and made sure nothing would happen, you all are much more interested in my instant reaction to this SFGate story of how tourists do the darnedest things. (My titles are not exactly the same as theirs, in case you're too lazy to look.)
1. Ride Segways. Actually, it makes sense to me, though I wouldn't do it.
2. Rent a car. Completely unnecessary but again, I've driven plenty in the City, so who am I to judge.
3. Rent a Go Car. Dumb. Last week a family with poor English got on the Bay Bridge and held up traffic all the way to Treasure Island, no doubt with American behemoths huffing down their necks the whole way, and then got charged for towing them back. They look kind of fun from a goofiness standpoint, though, and for that reason I may just rent one, or a Segway, or maybe one of each and have a race. Or heck, let's all rent the entire fleet and tool around with clown outfits and megaphones.
4. Shorts in July. I do it all the time. It's 100 degrees where I live, you think I'll ever remember to pack extra clothing for a two hour drive down the freeway? The only problem is I look like a stupid tourist.
5. Call a cable car a trolley. Never! Who the fuck does this?
6. Spend a lot of time in Union Square. Didn't know people did this. Can't imagine why, outside a few hours to visit art galleries.
7. Spend a lot of time at Fisherman's Wharf. Ditto, minus the art galleries.
8. Anything to do with Lombard. Dumb.
9. Ride buses and ask no questions. Well, whatever. I'm a city kid, I can figure the shit out.
10. Fail to book Alcatraz. Really, anyone researching a trip to another city is going to look this sort of thing up ahead of time. I mean, they just are. Otherwise, fuck 'em.
11. Buy too much knockoff SF apparel. Whatevs, tourist thing.
12. Block traffic reading maps. This is what bicycle messengers are paid to deal with.
13. Random photos. That would be me.
14. Stand left. Oh my God, do NOT do this! Stand Right Walk Left is one of the most fundamental concepts of pedestrian science. I literally breathe on the necks of (able-bodied) people who pull this shit.
15. Go to the Haight. Well, I do, regularly, for the good (if not cheap) Burner wear.
16. Walk the wrong street. Well, I haz instincts and have never been mugged in the City, which proves nothing, but homeless guys don't scare me, and I know they do some people, so this is just one of those things.
17. Frisco, San Fran, Cali. Guilty, but for good reason. I say Frisco strictly to piss off the locals (I grew up in sight of the City, the GG Bridge, and even the Farallones, but not in it, so my love for the place has a twist to it). I say San Fran out of typing lazines. I say Cali once in a great while as a translation service to people from strange and ignorant places.
18. Wait for a cable car turnaround. No, can't imagine it. See #5.
And so, three random pitchers from my last time down there.
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| Cool boots |
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| Hidden art gallery |
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| Friends new and not |
4 comments:
It *is* "Cali". Y'all should just deal.
No, it is Kuhleefornya! Come on, Man! Kuhleefornya is fantastic, man!
Vhat is dis Kali boolshitt?
Best,
Ahnuld
Only peeps from NorCal get all bent about this stuff. Down here we dgaf about Cali, SoCal, Ellay, THE FIVE, The O.C., whatever. Who cares?
So yer never OCD in the OC? Uh huh. All that Cali and "The 5" shit is from you jonny-come-latelies down there, the rootless millions who drifted into the L.A. Basin from some godforsaken flatland like dust motes flowing from one empty window sill to another. Who cares indeed.
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