Why do I stop myself?
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17 comments:
fear
Maybe you should reverse the trend. Just look in the mirror in the morning and say,
"SOMEBODY SSSSTOP MEEEEE!"
Same reason my grandson does, I imagine. He's 4...no, just turned 5. Anyhow, he got a new (very small) bicycle, his first. I was helping him to learn to ride it. He got the riding part down, but just could not seem to get the hang of the pedals. Turns out if you push one down, it goes forward, and if you're trying to push the other one down before it gets to the top of its arc, it goes backwards and slams on the brakes. An ongoing annoyance for him, as that particular day he just couldn't get his coordination down to make a smooth forward motion happen.
So. If that's it, just stop peddling backwards.
Pedaling backwards is definitely a problem. So is fear. I was referring to my relentless self-stoppage on a) chasing wimmins, which I just don't do, or if I do in any sense it is rarely, because I am incapable of seeing them as prizes to be won (something I know some of them enjoy) but instead as friends and peers; and b) writing fiction, which I also do but rarely, because to tell a story is to tell of human interaction, and the head space for that is hard for me to enter. I stop myself in these things, and I'd like to know why.
(Yes, obviously I don't really care about (a) and have only to come to terms with it and accept myself as I am. I just don't intend to produce an entire exegesis on the subject at this time.)
For me, it's not fear so much as eh why bother? Maybe it'll be good, but it's soooo much effort and like what is the point? No one will care. We'll all die and I might as well have just read another dumb romance novel instead.
That's the spirit, Paula! I think we should all embrace Radical Self-Suppression as our guiding philosophy.
(I know, it was just written in a Moment. Quieting your blog for the duration was a smart thing to do. When you need to blarf out some negative vibes, maaan, they are always welcome here.)
"chasing wimmins"... You're right. They ain't prizes/possessions to be chased and won. They're people. They're friends, lovers, partners, enemies, coworkers, strangers, moms, cousins, daughters-in-law...
Good on you for seeing that.
That ought not stop you, though, from continuing to make friends and keeping them, even if they're women. And if love and attraction grows, not fearing that.
But do stop chasing.
OK, so (and this should be a blog post of its own, but eh), I have never seen women as prizes, ever. The problem is I have entered this environment where such chasing and happily getting caught is common, where to experience such goings-on was part of the reason I left home and jumped into it; and now I find I'm one of the rare men in this environment who aren't much wired for it, and this realization threatens me, because getting chased and caught has after all been part of the fun for Sunya, and for you too, whether or not you see it that way, and I fear losing everything if I don't learn about and come to real terms with it all. Do I just turn my back and relax into the essentially monogamous but frustrating life I seem to be made for, I fear I will have to protect myself by deciding in some dark angry season to heck with all of them, and with all of you open lovers, and the whole damn scene. Back to where I was, just in some other version / iteration, everyone I've found consigned to history. In other words, you and her and some of these others like something about these guys, and they have a drive I do not, and I am left feeling not only less manly but less worthy, somehow incomplete.
I know this sounds silly and stupid, but another thing I've learned is I really don't get very far only saying the things I know are smart, not if they don't truly reflect how, in my relentlessly irrational human state, I feel. 'Struth those guys are dogs and I'm not sorry not to be one. I am only sorry not to be enough like them for the woman or women I'm close to who occasionally like them.
Yeah, so to boil it down, it's a constant struggle created by the fact that I do not love and have not accepted myself. Once I do that, the question posed in this blog post will become moot.
(Evidently the line between what I write privately and what I will put here is getting thinner and thinner ... )
My only issue with any of this is the less manly part. That's complete bollocks, and you know it. Tail-chasers often operate out of fear anyway, and who needs that shit?
Well, I know. Some of these open loving people are extraordinarily centered and secure, fearless and loving, truly some of the best people, and these are the ones who attract people like me and the others I am close to. Others seem to be part of the same community because they openly date around, appear to be honest etc, but really they are playing games, and do not really like themselves or anyone, and are kind of creepy. I'm not sure anyone has always clearly seen the distinction -- I know I haven't -- and it becomes easy when in a frustrated mood to tar everyone with the same brush alike, myself included. I knew saying "manly" was bullshit but again, I can't believe in saying only what I think makes me look smart. Just let the words out.
All those words out, that simple life I used to try and live? Not for me. This one is working out, but damn.
I see it differently, at least insofar as I conduct my romances. Of course. It's a bit of thought I'd life to crunch on for a time, at any rate.
I, otoh, have seen you placing a very high emphasis on getting some. On righting a perceived wrong, feeling you had missed out on something in your youth. That arms full of women was a sign of manliness. It perplexed me, because I knew too many men who maybe wanted to pursue lots of girls, but ended up with only a few romances, and eventually settled into a happy family life.
But I suspect I'm not seeing something.
Here's what I think, Don, and I knew you were just waiting for me to weigh in . . .
I think you're too smart. The Big Questions always seem to have arrived from the tension between man, the animal, and man, the intellect. You have more intellect, therefore more tension.
Here's the deal, as I see it. Like any healthy animal, you're attracted to other people for sex, and or social involvement, and your collection of instincts placed you in an environment where you could serve this aspect of your nature. But.
It is so much bullshit, much of the time--it is, or can be, self-serving and even mean, all that social stuff which when wrapped up in a package gives you stuff like junior high school, and your intellect perceives it as such.
To be a man, to be a human, you don't have to do anything. You're already there. You will note that this does not conform with any one person or institution's ideal of perfection, or rightness.
So if you have a moral code that works for you, go by it, and if there are things you want to do, do them. For most of us, this means live and let live, have some fun, help the sphere of people around you, however big or small it is. It's what we do.
If you hang around big groups of people, inevitably you will feel the need to conform, as even though everyone is different, the existence and prolongation of big groups tends to demand sameness. Some people are better at conforming, and some just do it without thinking. Whatever you are, in my opinion you are not that.
Roy is smart
Agreed. I would like to add without being whiny that nonconforming to the norm, in dating/romance... and even socially, somewhat, is easier for a man. He's just being independent and a free-thinker, which is always viewed as cool; while she's an antisocial bitch.
I like what Roy thinks.
I also don't get this: "...just turn my back and relax into the essentially monogamous but frustrating life I seem to be made for."
If you're not completely comfortable with the life you've embraced so heartily, why must relaxing into what you're comfortable with be frustrating?
Besides, you're no longer the same person you were before the new experiences, so even if you did "relax into" monogamy, it wouldn't be like it once was. You'd bring new insights to it.
What Roy and AJ say! I wish I'd thought of those things. Very perceptive, y'all.
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