I didn't want to go. I was tired and depressed and generally down on the whole Burner party thing. M'lady didn't want to go either but for different reasons of her own. All day yesterday I was draggin' ass and wanting to just work on the house and go to bed. But there was internal conflict because I also knew I would regret not going. Finally a concept was introduced to me that explained my lethargy and helped me adjust my attitude.
I've been taking Vyvanse off and on, mostly off, but I took it the last three days of the work week. It helps me stay on task. Without it I more readily get confused and overwhelmed by all there is to do and drift off into unhappy la-la land. This mental tendency probably explains why it took me an aggregate total of fourteen years to get one bachelor's and one master's degree.
The new concept, new to me if to no one else, was that there can be a mood and energy crash the day I don't take it, especially if my body's gotten used to it. Three days was long enough to get used to it. Once I realized I wasn't really tired and depressed, that I was just in a drug crash, that the whole thing was chemical, I felt better. And then I felt better yet after I popped another pill. Got my clothes together and went to the event, an hour's drive up into the foothills.
* * *
Today I'm tired and lethargic again. You could attribute that to getting to sleep about four and waking up at eight. But I have a lot to do tonight and decided now was not the time to withdraw from drugs. I'll try that on my next vacation. Meanwhile I got work to do so just before writing this I popped another pill.
Pretty soon I'll get to work modifying the door I just bought. This rental has a door frame 29 3/4" wide with a 28" door in it the landlord has done nothing about. Clearly their previous door got busted and she was too hurried or lazy to modify a standard 30" door, and put a standard 28" one in instead. Today I bought a 30" door and will cut it down to size and fit it in. Then I have more moving in to do for next week's housewarming, and a stack of mail to clear; plus I haven't begun my taxes yet, and my ex finally served me with the petition for dissolution so I'll have some paper to shuffle around for that as well.
Why am I doing this, then? Sort of to clear my head while I transition from slow and lethargic to up and at 'em.
* * *
So what's with these big Burner parties? Very fun atmosphere, lots of friends, some drinks, some dancing ... But we're both getting kind of tired of it, and for entirely different reasons. Oh, I loved the live music, and all the interaction. And these events are unlike any you can find anywhere else. They're never boring, and I have a lot of great friends there. But they're becoming kind of the same in their way. Everyone spends hours coming up with unique stuff to wear, and it's weird, but I'm starting to feel like that's the same old same old, anyone can do that, where's the creativity, etc. In other words, wearing strange costumes and making flame art and dancing into the wee hours is starting to make me feel like a conformist. There might be something weird about that, but I can't be sure.
But it was a good night out under the pines and drizzly skies, and we made the right choice to eschew borrowing bed space in a cold RV and just drove home at three in the morning, down the highways and byways, though the Gold Country and the suburbs and to a nice warm bed.
4 comments:
I feel ya, with the sameness thing, and find I really prefer the smaller, cozier Burner get-togethers. I lurve our Tabernacles and the occasional personal parties my Burny peeps throw. I went to a fiftieth b-day party on Friday night and was just so filled with all the happy warmth and love flowing around. Even the little sparkle-pony drama was, in its weird way, good. (on a lizard blog near you!)
Glad you figured out your lethargy, glad you went and had a great time. Hope you don't get too bound up in chemistry as a way to conduct life, though.
Huggles!
Even without drug issues, I often have to force myself to be social. At any given moment, I'd rather curl up on my sofa with blankie, kitty, and laptop. But whenever I do go to a thing, I invariably have a good time. And I know that facetime interaction is healthy. So... yeah, I make myself get out of the house. :)
I hate that you have decided to take the medication in order to conform to the work environment. (I mean, speaking of conformity.) We all have to make money, somehow, but I hope you get to the point where you let yourself be yourself, wandering mind and all (it's what makes life interesting!) and let the corporation screw up someone else's life.
Also, be mindful of the rebound effect. (I am not an actual doctor, but I played one in an indy movie once!) It's probably a fact that improved diet and adequate sleep is more effective anyway.
I was going to delete this because it sounds like I'm pontificating, but I'm going to leave it anyway.
But see, I bet you're right. I've been noticing that these phenomena of losing focus and inability to concentrate for very long and so on are getting worse. I assumed it was just the onset of age. But you remind me of something else that has changed. I used to go to the gym regularly. For the past year or so I've been unable to establish a routine. I'm not getting any exercise and my body is eating itself alive, starting with the brain. My body is eating my brain!!! My diet has been better too. Oh, and I NEVER get enough sleep.
Unfortunately, as I look at my present life, I see no way to fix any of these things without becoming incredibly un-lazy.
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