Sometimes I call a school to report an absence or something. They always want to know who I am. I have no answer beyond that I'm the mom's partner. It's awkward. There's a micro-pause while they process the kid being in some sort of blended family. I always imagine them wondering if I'm some sort of kidnapper, the shadowy agent of an estranged father, playing a weird game.
I'm sure it was much worse for my mom. In the late 60s most school bureaucrats likely had the sensibilities of the 40s and 50s and silently pitied my mother for having failed to keep a husband around. But marriage was a more iron-clad concept back then, its rivets driven deep into the flesh. People say we're looser now. Some people complain that no one takes marriage seriously. They are wrong (and also fuckheads). As I see it, our society is more serious about human relationships, not less, and fewer people are inclined to waste their lives pretending that every single marriage or even all that many of them can truly last a lifetime without becoming some sort of inert codependent hellhole.
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I have several ex-step-siblings. By this I mean our parents married each other while we were all still minors. One of them has turned out to be a relatively conservative Christian. She really pissed me off a year ago. I haven't told her because what she said took too long to sink in. I don't really react emotionally to the things people say while they are present. I get along and process later. Also, I don't interact with her much anyway. It was on the occasion of my son's wedding after a year or so of cohabitating. She said she was happy the he was making an honest woman of her. I recognized the old and old-fashioned turn of phrase and thought nothing of it at first. But in time I came to resent the implication. Was she not an honest woman before? How dare you, while knowing nothing of her, insinuate she had insufficient honesty as a function of her chosen living arrangement? She's a more honest woman then you'll ever know, ya da ya da ya. Well, I never said any of that, but I surely imagined I did. I imagine that'll teach 'er.
2 comments:
Agree that (some) people take relationships more seriously nowadays. I guess we are definining "seriously" to mean that a relationship that is not working for at least one party should be fixed or responsibly closed, rather than the parties muddling along unhappily until death.
OTOH, there seem to be many more shallow casual interactions that people term "relationships," leaching all meaning from the word. If you can walk away forever after one chat that didn't go perfectly or an episode of mediocre sex, that was not a relationship! Unless everything is a relationship, which again renders the word meaningless.
And (I know this will piss off some peeps)... I am pretty much back to my original position, held in the late 90s, early 00s, that an online only flirtation, cyber, whatever thing is not a REAL RELATIONSHIP. It may become real if the peeps actually meet in person and continue to do so, but until they do, it's not. Doesn't mean there can't be warm feelings and a nice glow of friendship, along with loads of orgasms that are actually masturbation to a fantasy of the person in your mind, but... it isn't a real relationship.
These online only thingers can be easily discarded, and usually are, which again puts them outside the definition of "relationship."
That all doesn't mean there are not occasional exceptions.
And now this... "I don't really react emotionally to the things people say while they are present."
This sentence is such an epiphany for me I can't even tell you. I mean, it's one of those things I knew about myself, and considered a character flaw of "not speaking up," when in fact it is this delayed emotional processing thing. Not always. Sometimes I react on the spot, but usually if it's positive and causes me glee. Negative stuff takes longer, esp if it's from someone I like and care about. I push it away like a pile of yucky kale, only to tiptoe back into the kitchen the next morning and see it rotting there all smelly and gross. Sometimes it taks a few days or more for me to be able to go near it and deal with it.
I've been highly criticized for this, and I've tried to change, tried to speak up on the spot, but I simply can't always and it isn't because I'm shy or scared or imprisoned by a need to please the otter person. I simply don't process the thing until later. I might feel a twinge of hey that's uncool, but often it's a fleeting flash that will return later in full force.
So glad I read this. I'm tired of thinking it's a character flaw when it's just the way I'm wired.
Aside: I like that blogspot has this little pop-out window for commenting, so I can look at the OP to the side (and even the previous comments) as I type this out. Saves me from having to open a separate app for that purpose. Which I wouldn't do anyway. And saves me from scrolling back and forth. So one good thing for Blogspot!
Were it me, I'd simply state the truth (which is what you did) and give it no further thought: I am the parent's live-in partner and I function as one of the meaningful/responsible adults in this child's life. If you have questions, feel free to contact the parent. Here's his/her number. I'm sure y'all have had S put a note on file at the school giving express permish for you to pick up and drop off, yes? SImilarly for the other live-in adult(s).
Like P, I agree that societally we're more serious about making relationships work rather than hanging on to unworkable ones. I also agree with P that there are too many people who glom onto the "relationship" concept for a fly-by-night kind of hookup, but, truly, the word itself is designed to be expanded. I have a relationship with the supplier for some of our COTS software, fucksake! But for romantical ones, well, we're kind of co-opting the term to have a specific meaning that suggests longer-term than a month's trial, or an on-line sextual thing. I would've said that Quiote and I had a relationship while I was seeing if he was a good fit (he wasn't). P may not have.
The ex-step-sis's comment might've been intended to be sort of lighthearted and simply came across badly after you'd processed it. You'd know better since you saw her face and heard the tone of voice she used when she expressed it but sometimes people try to be funny and just miss the mark. If it really was as serious a comment as you think, well, it does betray her prejudices and closed-mindedness. I completely agree with your viewpoint, of course. Any relationship where there is love and communication and a dedication to one another's happiness is an "honest" one (especially when there is honesty) and the presence or lack of a marriage license doesn't alter that. My Princess's relationship with her WOG has been an honest one from the time she moved to Sac through today, even tho they only decided to get married as of October this year.
Don't blame you at all for feeling peeved, even if it was intended to be lighthearted. It is a stupid thing to say in this day and age and has nothing BUT insult buried into it, no matter how "funny" you meant it to be.
Fuck sake.
I like the photo.
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