Blame

Drove an hour to a small mountain town. Fundraiser for an art project at Burning Man. Rainclouds passing by, air not too cold, yellow Union Pacific engines roaring through now and then.

While driving I was all depressed. This is typical. None of the good things in life make up for grim reality, failing at everything, etc. That state of semi-hopeless self-disappointment lathered with a determination to just keep going. You all know the drill. (I tend to think that's the norm for everyone. I don't want to know it isn't.)

A very sad thought came to me. I was going somewhere I wanted to go and was all depressed. It was exactly the same feeling as, say, two years ago, when I would be going somewhere I wanted to go but with my wife and be all depressed about it. In those days I thought, well, the main reason I'm depressed is because I'm with her. I want to go to this thing, but I don't want to be with her particularly, and so I'm depressed about it.

Well, now I go without her, and still I'm depressed. This was sad, because of course it made me question leaving her. If gaining the freedom to go do stuff without her doesn't make me less depressed, what was the point of leaving?

I parked as rainclouds darkened the sky in anticipation of dusk and looked down the street. Ancient brick buildings huddled here and there. Double railroad tracks ran where a larger town would have a boulevard. The place had never really recovered from the streamlining of the railroads. I pulled out my phone and returned a call that had come in while I was driving. I talked to a friend of mine about the depression not going away when I had thought it would.

She'd had the same experience. Like me, she had instigated a divorce after years of unhappiness, in her case nearly suicidal. (It's bad when your children's needs are the only reason you are alive.) Like me, she had found it didn't change things. That irrational, inexplicable sadness remained. But now?

She didn't have her husband to blame it on.

And so I don't have anyone to blame it on either. Of course this means that in time, I will find ways to address the issue directly, whatever it is, and by so doing, defeat it.

I say that now because I'm in a good mood, after several hours drinking and socializing with people I've come to know in just the past nine months (or less) and among whom I feel accepted as myself. That's a new experience for me, having a fluid crowd of people that I feel a normal part of. So I feel "normal" and can say that depression can be defeated.

Obviously I cannot say that when I am in it. At those times, it's to my credit I keep the Jeep away from the guardrails. Especially when I recognize that the positive power of a normal social life, and being able to instigate it many years ago -- a very dicey proposition during much of our marriage, unfortunately -- would likely have kept the marriage alive.

Well, anyway, it's a comfort that my friend who had the same experience was able to fight her way through it. This strengthens my belief that I will too. Key, I think, is being able to see when I am blaming someone else for something that is really inside myself. No longer doing that can only help my feet find a better path.

There is internal debate about posting this sort of thing. I admire fearless honesty in others but see it in myself as only a foolish self-aggrandizement. However, after an hour's drive down the mountain and a couple more hours trying to figure out what the hell happened to my finances, it's well past midnight and I can excuse judgment poor enough to hit Publish ...