Day One

By way of reporting, so that in the event I officially stop I will feel I had been open and communicative, as if this were some sort of collaborative effort -- which it is, to a degree.

I woke about five and thought I could sit up and type a bit. But my eyes didn't want to stay open, and I didn't want to make any noise and awaken my partner, who was breathing deep and slow.

I went to work with a plan: do Part A of Important Project Due At End Of Day; write 2000 words; do Part B of IPDAEOD, wrap it up, and leave the office by about four fifteen, because I had a cross-town appointment at five. But by noon I was only halfway through Part A, and by four had altered my workflow and was thus about two thirds through A and B combined. And I had to leave.

Drove, drove, drove, appointment, other appointment, home for dinner, wrote a little bit, back out again to help a friend move. That took until about midnight, but it wasn't for moving, but rather for clumsily inserting myself into a social context I would have done better to avoid. Back home I tried to write a little more but decided one ayem wasn't working for me this time around. Word count: 612.

Today I am deeply distracted by my unfinished work business, my increasingly out-on-a-limb finances, and especially by a vast weight of confusion over my fundamental nature as a social being. I still don't really know what sort of person I am and what I want to do with regards to more-than-platonic relationships with other people. This feeds into my historic difficulties focusing on tasks, which the Vyvanse™ seemed to help with. But it was of course not a total solution, because one must find ways to modify behavior as well, and meanwhile I have lost the clarity of vision I had a week or two ago and am absolutely unable to organize my work. I mean, there's a great tool designed for just that, and in a week and a half I haven't been able to get far enough through the tutorial to use it for simple outlining.

Bordering on whining and excuse-making, so I will close by saying I'm going to help with the above-mentioned moving today, starting in about half an hour, and have plans tonight (or not, depending on how I feel as a "social being"), and am quite certain the job thing is more important to do because my employer is going to shrink soon and, all kidding aside, I need to stand out or at least get my work done, rather than pretend I could instead make it somehow "pursuing my art". I accomplish something now and then, but I'm a little unmoored, and left to my own devices tend to drift, so everyone who depends on me is much better off if I just have a regular job.