Burning Out

I suspect over the next week and a half I will explore more and more how I don't, then, do, then don't want to go to Burning Man. Right now I do not. The only reason I say I do when asked is because I can't imagine making that final decision not to. It's become a very important part of my life. But it's an exhausting and very intense experience, and it pretty much gives you what you bring to it. By this I mean that the intensity and the demands are such that ultimately what comes to you during the week are reflections of what you come with. Right now I carry expectations that I will be too tired and unexcited to create positive experiences and build relationships and will end up alone a lot. There is a certainty that if I expect to be alone a lot, I will be alone a lot. Worse, I will be miserably alone a lot. This happened quite a lot last year, and I came away with it being my worst year yet. If there's any chance I will not be in a state to do better this time, then I really shouldn't go.

See, the thing is, there's nothing that excites me this year. I have many friends going but I've lost touch with most of them and they are more distant. I've made new friends this year but only in a light sort of way, no one I particularly hang out with. I'm realizing as I write this that the demands of the life I have chosen have taken me away from myself. Going to Burning Man will only highlight this and worsen the experience. It occurs to me as I write this that I have allowed my life to break, and until I heal it, Burning Man will only break it more.

More thoughts to follow, but that's where I'm at right now.