Marriage Musing

This is not about the significant economic advantages to be had by completing as a legal matter what I've pretty much done as a practical matter. We consciously defer such conversations for (possibly more than) a few months / years / lovers down the road.

But my ex is engaged to get positioned to replace my name with another's, and it has begun to occur to me that since the date is only six weeks off and I haven't yet received an invitation, I might not actually get one. Which is fine with me, but you'd think a mature and settled adult would mention it.

The mention I did get, after finding out about the wedding by accident, was that I would be welcome but Sunya would not. At the time of that conversation this seemed to make sense to me. But I think sometimes things people say make sense to me only because I am at that moment surrounded by their presence and sort of reflexively seeing things though their eyes. If I don't get it, I still sort of feel it, and allow myself time to cook the feeling into a clear message. But once I gave this one some thought, I realized it was not sensible after all. Either I am a guest, or I am not. If Sunya is not welcome as my guest in turn, then I am not truly a guest. This half-way sort of invitation is more of an insult than not, and not just to her, but to us both, to the collective me.

It's becoming clear I should initiate the communication she has not, and declare my satisfaction with not being invited. I might also initiate a discussion on passive-aggressive behavior, but since she used to lecture me on same, it would be pointless to start such a conversation. Her growth as a person no longer concerns me.

Before realizing this, I assumed I would go, and go either stag, or in the company of some other woman. If she won't allow Sunya, then instead I could take J or K. Both are beautiful women that I am fortunate to also count as friends and lovers. J is Dutch-Indonesian and in her late fifties, and K a blonde veterinarian in her early thirties. They would be a sort of "Take that" to my ex's exclusion of the woman for whom she seems to have some inexplicable ire (and whose idea this was originally).

But there are problems with this idea. One, it pretty well erases any right I might have to complain about passive aggressive behavior. Two, using them for any purpose is wrong and disrespectful of our friendship (unless they are having wicked fun with it, which I can see each of them doing, and pulling no stops while they're at it). Three, it introduces an unnecessary energy to a day that ought to belong entirely to my ex and her groom. Four, and worst of all, it would signal my acceptance of Sunya being relegated to an unwelcome status. That is unacceptable. Anyone who does that to Sunya deserves nothing but a big FY. Besides, using someone else to get back at my ex for that just turns my ex and I into immature squabbling exes. I'm not playing that game.

Either I am invited and can bring Sunya, or I am not invited. Sunya is not interested in going anyway. She doesn't enjoy crowds where she doesn't know anyone and gains nothing from getting to know anyone, and the attendees to my ex's second wedding would easily fall into that category for us both. It would be a lost and expensive day to no purpose. Looking at it this way, as simply my ex's second wedding, I find I don't actually want to go. This seems odd to me, because in my immediate experience exes get along fine. But getting along and sharing a social energy are not the same thing. Besides, going to weddings is a pain in the ass.

Is six weeks too soon to write her and tell her I'm okay with not being invited? No, it isn't. I would also explain why a half-invitation is no invitation, and that I accept that for her own reasons it seems she didn't want me to know about it in the first place. I don't understand why not, except as a reflection of bad feelings about me, which is to say unresolved feelings, which is to say she hasn't really moved on. But I don't know that it's necessary to go there.

I'll just send a present, and make time with others I'd want to see -- my sons, mutual friends from out of town, etc -- on the day after.

Here's us at a wedding we were really really happy to go to