I remember when I loved her. I kept a couple framed pictures from when I loved her.
Still do. Never denied it.
I’m a Leo. Which means shit except that underneath the retiring low self-esteem bequeathed by an upbringing designed to remind me I wasn’t worth anyone’s time or energy, I am and always have been a king. Many times I returned to the woman I married simply because in spite of everything, she was my queen.
Still is. Never denied it.
I left for a lot of reasons, not least because my kingdom was encircled and the castle grown cold. There were fires but they didn’t warm me. I abdicated and crossed the frontier and found some wonderful things with the glow of more wonderful things over the horizon. It’s a good journey, or promises to be.
Still believe it. Not denying it.
Sometimes, though, I miss something. Not the castle. Not even the dogs. Not the warm kitchen nor the bed so big two people can read and barely know the other one is there -– though we absently touched toes right up to the end. I can’t put my finger on what it is I miss, except for one thing.
I don’t miss the woman, not yet. But I do miss my queen. I know my task is to cover the ground I need to cover and find the queen I somehow missed before and build a new kingdom around her. I’ve known that for a long time. And I know that can’t be rushed.
But once in awhile I think of that queen who still lives in that castle, and I wonder if I can’t just get this god damn detour over with and move back home.
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11 comments:
I'm not sure I know what you mean.
I'm just tired and need a new thing to be not too much work, which is a Bad Attitude, I realize, but so far so good.
It's shit I understand and I'm still living in the castle because of it.
I get it. We move on, but honoring what was is not a bad thing. And much healthier than hating or denying. Liked the Leo description too.
Missing what was, but pining also for not yet having what's missing. Or something. I get it.
Ah yes. You're just writin' shit, but it's real, honest shit, 'n' shit.
Shit.
No matter what happens down the road, this is yet more proof, though I know you didn't need it, that what you've had since the late Eighties has been a huge good thing at its heart. God Save the King and the Queen, I say,and tell her we said "Hi!"
Maybe you're saying you loved the idea of something, the idealized thing that you made from parts of real people.
Wow that's good.
So good.
I completely get it. Of course I do. Know how it smells and tastes.
All these comments are little brush strokes that come together and paint a fairly complete picture. I love that.
My experience has been that it's good to recognize and give a bow to the love that once was, and if it was real, even if it's shifted, it will alway be there.
This is just beautiful, Don.
This was so interesting to me ... as I have been thinking lately that if the Amazon and I were for some reason to break up, while I would miss her intensely, what would be even harder to replace is the particular archetype she has embodied for me, which no other woman has ever come close to doing. I don't call her the Amazon to be ironic -- she is indeed a warrior queen, and as such she occupies a unique psychological and emotional space which I've always wanted to have filled. I might, someday, get over her ... but I think it would be difficult, if not impossible, for any other woman to embody her symbolism.
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