It's frustrating when my son, who is in a lot of pain over a relationship, posts to Facebook, "love is not an emotion you feel - it's a state you create" and as his parent I simply must not respond. He then says, "people just don't understand that love isn't something that just happens, it's something you work and strive for." Am I wrong that he is completely wrong? Am I wrong to believe he is taking himself down a road that will only end in disappointment?
I've said what I can, in the context of my relationship with his mother. But he doesn't seem to hear me. It almost seems as though he is trying to fix his own problematic relationship by doing what I quit doing after many years: "Work" on it, as though it's a motor that isn't running right.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Click to zoom in
This wouldn't be necessary
About Me
Where I is At
Click to zoom in
Labels
- random poastery (139)
- wordless wednesday (131)
- burning man (123)
- the life (112)
- family (86)
- work (70)
- pictures overload (63)
- writing (46)
- travel (33)
- history (30)
- separation (25)
- that crazy inventive streak (25)
- thursday thing (23)
- aminals (20)
- annoyances (19)
- cars (19)
- music (19)
- polyticks (18)
- terse tuesday (17)
- nano (16)
- the long ago (16)
- f-f-f-f-friday (15)
- art (14)
- crazy shit (14)
- monday mutt (14)
- homelife (12)
- cinema (11)
- geekery (11)
- baseball (10)
- reading (10)
- xmas sux (8)
- 100words (7)
- road (7)
- mobile blogging (6)
- juplaya (5)
- being all negative n shit (3)
- Things I Decide Not To Post On Facebook (2)
- days in the life (2)
- party life (1)
- xmas (1)
Blog Archive
-
▼
2011
(205)
-
▼
Jun
(24)
- Wordless Wednesday
- Terse Tuesday: Trial and Tribulation
- Go Ahead, I'm Right Behind You
- Online
- Live Today
- More Words on Wednesday (Incidental)
- Words on Wednesday
- Wordless Wednesday
- Hope
- Love
- Fabulous Furry Freak Friday
- The Thursday Thing
- Wordless Wednesday
- Terse Tuesday
- Monday's Mutt
- Self-Portrait Sunday
- Another Thing
- The NeverEnding Story
- Blame
- Breaking All Rules
- Imposter!
- Nerd Alert Continued*
- The Thursday Thing
- Wordless Wednesday
-
▼
Jun
(24)
15 comments:
He's wrong. Love is very much an emotion, and it happens. OMG!
But he's right, too, to some extent. It takes work to keep it alive. Can't force it. And sometimes what you thought was love wasn't really love, and no amount of work will keep it alive or bring it back.
If he didn't feel what he feels, would he be so stubborn about "fixing" it?
Good point. Pretty much I have to give my perspectives on my experiences and stay completely out of his. He does want to talk. That's good.
I'm only motivated to "work" on something that is basically great in the first place. And I believe that love is a feeling and a state; the work really isn't about recreating the feeling/state but dealing with practical stuff that gets in the way of it. If you have to work on recreating the love itself, that's not a good sign, imo.
Love is the joker in the pack. Things have a way of working out for the better in the long run.
Love is sometimes not rational.
If it were, would I voluntarily go to Texas, that annexed Mexican excrescence at the asshole of the United States, in mid-July, to visit my beloved for his birthday, when my rational mind knows that making a fuss over birthdays should be restricted to the 12-and-under crowd?
Love is sometimes not rational.
Love is never rational. It's pure emotion. As a rational being-wannabe, you'd think I'd eschew it, right?
Love can be fleeting. Because it is not rational, it can be worn away unless some care is taken, and that's where the rational enters the picture. That's what a lot of people call "work," btw, when they make rational decisions and take pains to attempt to preserve it.
Paula's hit a nail that I find important: if it's good to start with, then it's worth the work.
I'm in a phase where I imagine the work to involve staying honest and communicating, and maintaining a large portion of sensitivity and empathy with my loved ones. Not difficult when you have love, although it can be challenged when other irrational emotions arise. Anger, frustration, fear ...
That's where the communication comes into play.
So I re-read and, no, he's not completely wrong. I just don't know if he's not dedicating himself to something impossible. His lady keeps trying to break up with him. I need to be more sensitive.
Sometimes you have to dedicate yourself to something impossible just to get to the next stage of awareness. Particularly with things like this, a bit of an ass-kicking can take you a long way down the road to sensitivity. Sounds hackneyed but its true, speaking as one who has been put through the grinder.
We can grow thru pain, sure. We can also be destroyed by it. D, based on all I've seen and heard thus far, I'm thinking that son has enuf strength and smarts to grow, rather than be destroyed.
I know both of 'em, kinda, and I think both sons have all they need.
Don't know about the working at it, but there's a part of love that is a choice. And he is chosing to love. Isn't one of the hardest lessons of growing up learning that we can't make others choose what we want them to choose?
I don't think we have any control whatsoever over love. But it's the definition that makes it hard to discuss--or the lack of one. If love is that thing that teenagers sometimes contract that enables them to do all sorts of extremely difficult or inappropriate or crazy things to be with the "loved" one, then that is generally not what we're talking about when discussing marriage and other long term relationships.
Love enables cave boy to step in front of the saber tooth tiger to save cave girl and cave baby, or cave girl saves cave baby, or cave boy. Meanwhile cave baby is making notes-to-self about the kind of kick ass mom he will one day fall in love with himself. Very useful. Beyond that, we are talking about some sort of intellectual exercise, occasionally triggering the old response, (although by this time it's not so imperative) and sometimes not.
Musicians like to say, Choose a woman you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I'm thinking the work we do to keep love going is mighty enjoyable but it do require attention and the occasional sweat of one's brow.
I think love, being your own personal emotion and experience, does not have to be "worked" at. But any relationship brought about by love, be it romantic or with a dog or anything in between, does have to be worked at. Because that's not just about you and your experience and perception and what you want or need.
That said, it seems like every young person I've ever met or been needs to learn that there's no half breaking up. If someone "keeps trying" to break up with you, then you've already been broken up with, and its time to move on. You can't tell people, though. Best to just listen and let him navigate it.
Post a Comment