Me and People

Love 'em, hate 'em. Can't do without them.

I can't do without affection. I look back, I see that among the ways I've organized my life, I've made sure to do what I needed to get affection. Always had a significant other in some form or other, a source of affection. The exception is those bad years from eighteen to about twenty two, when I couldn't figure out how to be someone and was mostly alone. Very unhappy I was then. Somehow that got turned around and now I'm pretty sure if I were alone again it wouldn't last a month.

Yet I push people away all the time. I'm surrounded by loving people who are open and sexy and trustworthy, yet I pretty much keep my distance. I have Sunya -- so do others, in a sense, being as she's a focal point for all the open sexiness -- and I see a lot of other hooking up going on. But outside a little light making out, I don't indulge. I don't take steps. I don't reach deep. I remain chaste. I take care of business and remain chaste. It hit me as I lay out in the sun this noon baking my aching head that if there are mythical personae to choose from and embody, I am the Warrior Monk. I take care of my own, I create a safe place for them to be themselves, and I remain chaste.

I rolled over and said this to Renee, who is a spiritual teacher and intuitive healer, and she laughed. Bear in mind she was wearing an incredibly sexy swimsuit as befits her beautiful body and physical confidence and former life as a stripper, and she gathers male and female admiration as most people gather breaths of air: Without conceit or undue meaning, and all the time, constantly. She laughed, and said if that's what I have chosen, then I can live that for awhile, for whatever good it does me (something like that); and said she received my telepathic message loud and clear.

Can't fool her.

Can't fool anyone. Last night's party, for which we so incredibly decorated the freshly remodeled house, went on through two police visits and the sunrise, and now, five o'clock the following afternoon, the DJ is still making noise and a dozen people still occupy my home. I am tempted to grouse and wonder who these people are that have nothing better to do than spend their weekend at someone else's house. But the minute I do, I realize I am grateful that we have created a space they are happy to occupy. It's a blessing that people want to be here. My occasional bouts with misanthropy don't change that and really shouldn't be surrendered to. So instead I'm shut away in my office typing while anyone who cares to speculate will know that that's just Don getting away from people for awhile, he'll be fine. And it's true. Whatever I'm missing out on now will be something I later wish I hadn't missed (say a spate of dancing to old soul music) and I'll be back to "normal".

Which is to say, doubtful of all these people, but unwilling to lose them, and carrying that with what turns out to be a very likeable public persona; and underneath, unhappy about my emotional instability, if that's what it is, that has me wanting them to stay and wanting them to leave and mostly just wants the attentions of a woman, "my" woman, the one who loves me but cannot divert her life for me or enable my neediness. I really hate that neediness, that emotional dependency -- I hated it when I was married and have been vocal about not wanting to encourage it in any subsequent relationship. But I have it anyway, and so am often unhappy, needing something I can't always get and cannot allow myself to need.

That business is some, but not all, of the stuff wrapped up in why I remain so chaste. The DJ is a 23 year old kid whom I find deeply annoying yet everyone loves him and the women think he's a cute dork and he's had sex with just about all of them, while I, though consort to the queen and owner of the home, have not. This annoys me. You might think it shouldn't; you might think I should "do something" about it; you might understand what I mean. I relate to all those reactions, and more besides; and I dunno but that seeing all those points of view might just mean I haven't come to peaceful terms yet with whoever it is I really am. Sunya sees me as well-grounded with my feet pretty firmly on the ground. It surprises her that I feel nothing like that these days. I'm more like a lion trying to maintain balance on a raft at sea. My Pisces girl is happy in that sea, swimming with all the many currents. I'm working really hard not to drown in them.

At four forty this morning the police talked to me very sternly about my neighbors and that if they are called again I will be fined five hundred dollars for every officer sent. I don't blame them. I hate disturbing my neighbors. I seem to be the only person I know who cares about that. But tonight will be a quiet night. They're still making noise, the dozen or so people left. Come sundown I'm going to find a way to empty them out, I think. I hope to. My fear is that if someone makes food and buys beer the shit will just go on through another night. And if we're quiet, why shouldn't it? If it's what my queen and our birthday boy want, who am I to deny them? (Our birthday boy is our manny, who was raised 7th Day Adventist and has never really had a birthday party, so we threw him one for turning 33, and it was completely awesome as parties go.)

But, I dunno. I've taken half an hour for myself to sit up here and write this out, and the DJ noise is just getting to be more annoying, not less. I'm really bad at getting what I want from other people, so I can't claim I'll be able to shut it down, or even that that's what I want. Me and people -- it's a very confused relationship.