The Contrast

I re-rejoined OKCupid again again because I need to make friends of a certain sort, and trying to do so by face to face opportunism (e.g. Sunya's way) doesn't work for me so well. I've had a date already, too, a three hour conversation at a sports bar with a fellow Giants fan. That's all, but even so I'm having more fun with it than I did before. I think this is because I've struck a more truthful tone and found that this tone resonates.

Me looking doubtfully at me

In this online world we tend to create versions of ourselves that we hope are appealing to the people we want to be appealing to. I used to find myself writing profiles that marketed who I wanted to be to attract the people I saw. I'd edit and edit but it would never come out right because I was subconsciously trying to fit the standard. Now I state right out in the first paragraph I'm enjoying a rich and dynamic LTR (long-term relationship), plus I select a non-monogamous choice in the relationship style description. This doesn't net me a lot of unsolicited messaging, but it does a) leave me feeling better about it and b) make me clearly eligible to the people I want to be eligible for. This seems to have made a good difference.

Who do I want to be eligible for? Women who are in open relationships, i.e. whose partners approve of them dating, or who are single and don't mind (if not prefer) that I am in a relationship. Being straight about that in the profile eliminates a lot of confusion and doubt and, as it happens, missed connections, because there are actually a fair number of women out there who want the same and will ignore a man who doesn't.

Still, only the one date, and one other gal who's interested but hasn't had time yet, and that's it. When I set the prefs appropriately, something like eight women appear within a fifty mile radius. That's not many. If I go to a hundred miles, all manner of wimmins start popping up in Oakland and San Francisco. And that sort of figures, since the Bay Area is big both on "alternative" love styles and social networking. So there's this contrast that makes my old stomping grounds more appealing in this way, and who knows, I just might set myself up to take some trips.

If you're wondering what my partner thinks, she's all for it. Our social styles are completely different, as are our natural prospects given other differences (e.g. age and gender). We've worked really hard on learning about that and tuning up the ways that make it work. As alluded to above, she happily connects with people found in real-world settings that meet her standards -- and there's little limit on where that connection can lead, given the setting -- whereas I have forty years of shyness and anti-social messaging from most of my youthful influences to untangle on top of standards of my own. The online thing is a way to mitigate this contrast, at least in theory. We'll see how that goes -- as well as how it goes at this weekend's big spring furnival at a friend's digs in the foothills, yet another chance for me to work on that elusive face to face opportunism. Being such an introvert is sometimes so inconvenient!